I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
