Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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