Umm I'm too high to move.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
