Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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