If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
