So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
