god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
