I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
