btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
