maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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