Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
