It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
