saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
