I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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