im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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