Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
