The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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