I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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