I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
