I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
