the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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