I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
