I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
