God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I didn't shave. On purpose
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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