Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize