as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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