If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
