fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
