when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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