At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I love having hate sex.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?