i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
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He called his prostate his "boner button".
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
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Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs