So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
