this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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