I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
