Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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