We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
