i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Randomize
