Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He better not be in your backpack
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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