do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
no you cant smoke seaweed
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
