If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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