I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
