Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my shit smells like andre
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
