I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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