So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC