I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..