like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
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he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
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I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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