Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I think your dad took our porno
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
