I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's never too late to be topless.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
