party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he thought i was a dude.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
