I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
