Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
