i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
