How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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