I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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