Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
