she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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