i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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