i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
